Last month when I read Rob’s article … I resonated with the importance of the Clearing and Communication Model. And the thought hit me that another piece of communication that has been really helpful to me in the last few years is the concept of showing up with compassionate curiosity (that I got from Couples at the Cross). I told Rob that I thought we needed a 3rd ‘C’ model … the Compassionate Curiosity Model. Here is what I mean by that….
Shortly after the COVID lock down in 2020 my youngest son went to the park to play basketball (sharing with his permission). He was 15 at the time and very active. Think workout or play multiple times a day. This whole COVID thing was really new and people were freaked out about it. We were trying to figure out what to do as responsible parents and how to help keep our super active 15-year-old from going stir crazy. As part of trying to find a middle road we told him that he could play basketball at the park a block away. We asked him to just not play “normal” basketball where they’re defending and all up in everyone’s face/business. Dinner was ready and so I drove to the park to pick up Seth so that dinner wouldn’t get cold waiting for him. I get to the park and watch our son playing and notice that it’s just like every day out there–everyone is up in everyone’s business. And then when the game finishes and they are sitting and drinking Gatorade, Seth sees me, dabs everyone, and comes to the car.
I just about lost my mind. I was concerned and furious. What the heck!? Did he not care at all about what we asked him? Was he just rubbing our noses in it? As he walked to the car I took a few deep breaths and reminded myself to step into compassionate curiosity. He got in the car. I said, “Hey man, what’s up? How was basketball?” He said, “It was great.” I then said, “Hey, I’m curious. I thought we had a discussion and asked that because of COVID that we wanted you to not be guarding people super close and keeping some distance while playing? And when I show up you’re all in everyone’s face and then when you finish you go dab everyone before you come to the car. I’m just wondering about that.” He looked at me shocked and stunned. He said, “Oh my gosh, Dad. I’m SO sorry. You and Mom absolutely said that and I just spaced. We were
playing basketball, and I just kicked into normal basketball mode and totally forgot about that. I’m so sorry. I will pay attention next time and do what you asked.” I told him, “No worries. And I’m sorry to even ask you to do it … but we’re just not sure about COVID. We’re trying to find the balance between ignoring it and freaking out.”
Later that evening when we were just hanging out around the house, Seth brought up some current issues that he was struggling to understand in his relationship with his girlfriend. And we had a great conversation around that. It’s my judgment that if I had just ripped into him after basketball that it would have created enough emotional distance in our relationship that evening that he wouldn’t have felt comfortable being vulnerable and open with me about things with his girlfriend. Not to mention that there was no reason to get on his case. He hadn’t done it on purpose. He was a 15-year-old playing basketball.
Showing up curious has been incredibly helpful to me in all manner of conversations, especially with those I love deeply. Even when I’m convinced that I “know” what the other person is thinking or why they did something … I am finding it super helpful to show up compassionately curious. I said this was helpful. I did NOT say that it was easy for me. I am often convinced that my perspective is right and that I “know” what is going on. I often need to do a good bit of inner work to show up genuinely curious, because when I judge I’m right or I know, curiosity is dead and compassion is very limited. Much communication between humans is in subtle things such as tone of voice, facial expressions, body posture, etc. I’m talking about the work to temporarily set aside my judgments and be genuinely curious. In the case with Seth, it helped me to set
aside my judgments that he was ignoring us and that since he was not worried about COVID that he did not care what we thought. I did my work to be curious: Did we actually communicate what I thought? Was he trying to do what we asked? What was going on? Hence my approach with him was genuine … I thought we said this but that wasn’t my observation so can you clarify what was going on?
This approach has been helpful to me in so many interactions – my wife, my friends, work settings, etc. I also find it super helpful in situations of disagreement or conflict. It ties into the Covey idea of seeking first to understand and then to be understood (Proverbs 18:13). Saying something like, “I’m really curious that you support a different politician than me. I’d love to hear your take on that.” And when I do that, I work to be genuinely curious. I often even say that in this conversation I just want to listen and understand. I do not want to share my thoughts … I can do that another time. I just want to understand you. Matthew Kelly says that intimacy is knowing and being known, and he argues that this is a significant part of what it means to be made in the image of God. We were created to know and to be known—by God and others. It takes humility to lay down my thoughts and assumptions and to press into understanding someone. And compassionate curiosity is a step towards that.
Here is my version of the Compassionate Curiosity Model…some thoughts to start on the path:
What do I want in relationship to this person? Am I moving in love toward them or proving I’m right/moving out of hurt etc…
Will I lay down my judgments and imaginations? I need to first do my internal work to be aware of and lay down my judgments and imaginations, considering that there may be something I do not know here. Don’t say I’m curious until I genuinely am.
Will I ask curious questions for understanding? “Hmmmm, will you say more about that,” or I’m not sure I understand. Will you unpack that further?”
Will I kindly challenge? (with loving intent and without anger/aggression/sarcasm) I’m surprised by that. I thought you said/did ‘X’; but now ‘Y’; Can you help me understand that?”
Will I follow-up on disagreement so that it doesn’t become a relational block? [e.g. When someone says/asserts something (politically/theologically/socially/personally) different from my thoughts/beliefs/values. “It seems you and I are in a different place on that. I’d love to hear more of your thoughts sometime, because you matter to me.